almost dead

I was coming home from a friend's house around midnight last night on Ponce de Leon, when a drunk driver swerved into my lane and almost drove straight into the front of my car. I turned sharply and nearly drove off the road. I watched him in my rear view mirror drive off, still in my lane.

So surreal.

I'm not claiming edge anymore. I don't think it's right for me to. I want to know that I can be independent and strong without a title.

I know that being edge gave me this "these X's on my fists means I'm better than you" mentality, and that's pretty fucked up. I still believe that I'm making the better decision to not do drugs or smoke cigarettes or get trashed... but I don't think that such a label should confine me the way it does. I know that as I get older, I'll want to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. I don't however, have any sort of desire to get drunk. I associate too many abusive situations and damaged relationships with alcoholics. I know that so many people give up being straight edge and immediately go and get drunk, or do drugs, or whatever. That is not me... at all.
I've struggled with cigarettes for about eleven months now. I know in my heart that I don't want to smoke, but something inside of me always tells me it'd be okay to have just one cigarette. It's been a lot better the past couple of days, and yeah, I caved and have taken a couple hits of cigarettes. I've been thinking about it so much lately, and wondering why it's so hard to fight those cravings. I know I claimed edge with my heart in the right place, but I also think being straight edge made me feel like I was obligated to live up to a standard... whereas since I've stopped claiming edge, I want to live up to a standard--one that I've set for myself. August 28, 2008 I know I wanted to quit smoking. I still want to remain nicotine- and tobacco-free... and I think that desire means so much more than feeling like I have to.

I feel like I've let a few people down by not claiming edge anymore, but I know this is right for me. I know that I thought straight edge was right at the time. Lastly, I know that I'm getting older and becoming an adult. Hell, I pay my own rent, bills, take care of seven animals, and work 40 hours a week... all while being pretty happy. My way of thinking has changed and evolved, and for the better, I believe. This feels right in my heart.

catching up...

A timeline for the past five or so days...

Endless Mike and the Beagle Club played a show in our basement Wednesday. I was pretty nervous at first, because not many people were there at first, but it turned out to be a great show as the night went on. Whit from The Wild played. I'd never heard his solo stuff before, and it brought me to tears. He played songs about "illegal" immigrants and things in life that remind you that you're free. It really got to me. Dakota played next. Maybe I'm biased because he's my roommate, but I always get so stoked (:the band... none of you will get that joke) when he plays. He's going on tour soon and I really hope he enjoys the fuck out of himself. Half Endless Mike is another band, so they played, and then Endless Mike and the Beagle Club did their set. Both of them were really catchy and pop-punky, and awesome to dance to. Somehow, about half of the crowd wound up with a maraca or tambourine in their hands. The whole show had a very intimate vibe. It was awesome.
Endless Mike got really, really, really drunk in our backyard, and then smoked a bunch of pot. They thought for about an hour that it'd be a good idea to make me play designated driver and take them to a swimming pool--thank god they realized how terrible of an idea that would have been. I don't think I could have driven that massive tour bus down skinny Decatur streets to save my life.
I woke up on Thursday and hung out with the band. We went swimming and got tofu burritos and watched SO much Arrested Development. I got along with all seven of them really well. The company was much enjoyed.
Friday morning Johnny, Dakota, Jessica and I all left for Berea Fest. Jessica dropped us off and then left to visit a friend in Acron. We missed the first couple of bands (including No Target Audience :[ ) and I didn't know most of the others until Lemuria. They played an AWESOME set. The crowd was so much fun. Ronny (from Mrs. Triceratops, they played at our house) found us a place to stay and so the three of us (and about five other friends that we met up with) headed over to what turned out to be this cute house with a bunch of disgusting hot-sauce-rally-gay-porn-watching(or rather... mocking)-chainsmoking punk (kind of) kids. I don't know how to describe it. It sucked. So instead of staying in the smoke cloud of a basement, we pitched two tents on their front lawn. It wound up raining really hard, and everything we all owned was soaking wet. Damp and tired, we went to the second day of Berea Fest. I saw Pink Houses, Seizure Fist, the Max Levine Ensemble, Ghost Mice, Amelia, The Sidekicks, Goodluck, and Delay, along with a couple others that I didn't really get into. Ghost Mice was awesome to see live. They played acoustic (of course) and they played songs that I knew well... which of course, made it better. We stayed at Jessica's friend's house last night. A pull-out couch has never felt so wonderful.
We're safe and home now. I really loved Ohio. I wish we had all taken more time off and could have hung out a day or two...
Also, I have a hard time ending blogs and other things that I write, so I'm not going to try to wrap it up. Bleh.

Erin came and hung out with me today. It was really nice! :) We headed up to Liberty so she could get her tattoo done, and on the way there I decided to stop at Becky's (awesome grrl I work with) house to give her a bike of mine that's in perfect condition, minus the bent-to-hell frame. I couldn't find it, so I turned around to go on to Liberty... and drove over a curb. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a loud thunking noise... and realized I had a flat tire. Needless to say, I was having a pretty lousy day (nothing new lately... ugh) and it was just the thing to top it off. Fortunately for me, two guys helped us out because I didn't have a jack in my trunk (NOTE TO SELF: get car jack...). They were really friendly and showed me how to change it. One of them walked with me through a rough part of the neighborhoods on Moreland to the tire place, and then demanded they only charge me $37 for a new one, instead of $45. He also held my hand as we walked down a super steep and rocky path through some trees... I didn't need help, but it's the thought that really counts. It's things like this that make me think sometimes humans aren't so bad.

After we took care of all of that, Erin and I went to Sevananda to get some food... only to see four people I used to be fairly great friends with (prior to moving down here) walking out the front door. I immediately checked my phone, assuming they would have called to see if I was working, and/or wanted to hang out, since I live seven minutes away. Of course, I had no missed calls... which only makes it even more obvious how little my old friends care to keep in touch. To be completely honest, it broke my heart a little bit.
If they had to have gone out of their ways in any bit, I would have understood them not bothering. But a phone call or even a text message asking if I was working so they could possibly say hi to me and talk for five minutes? Is that really so much to expect from people who claim to be my friend?
I'm still not sure how to take it. They made it pretty obvious that they had no time to stick around and talk to me-the extent of us speaking was me yelling out my car window because they wouldn't come any closer than ten feet...

sometimes perpetual motion m o v e s s o s l o w.

I'm waking up morning after morning now wondering what it would be like to be a thousand miles away from here. I've still got everything I need, but there's something about not knowing where I would sleep the next night that makes me toss and turn with longing in my bed. It seems with every minute that goes by, I get a little more frantic and restless.

Now things are so comfortable, I don't know if I can break the routine. I've got an awesome job that I don't know if I could bring myself to quit and promises to live up to and rent to pay and animals to feed. I wish I had gone when I wanted (needed) to, before I committed myself to 30032.

twitterin

dumpstering, no more braces, two day mountain trip, cold water swimming, anarchy, stick-n-pokes, fanny packs always, good friends, a new friend, nice conversations, goodbyes.


thank you.

a l l o f t h e d a y s j u s t s e emtoruntogether.

private blogs=

LAME.

Friendships can be such a bummer dude...


On a brighter note, today Cam and I went to Return to Eden and dumpstered a tonnnn of green veggies and some fruit and soy/almond milk. Then we headed over to the Food Not Bombs house to hang out and cook and stuff, but on the way there my car ran out of gas... which makes no sense, because I was just barely in the little... red zone thing. Anyway, about twelve different people helped us throughout the whole thing, and it was definitely an experience to have to push my car up a hill. -sigh- By the time my gas tank had two gallons in it, we were hot and sweaty and stinky (<3) and I've got a noticeable sunburn on my shoulders and back. All in all though, I'm just glad someone was with me, or else I would have just started crying, considering the already crappy morning I had just had.

We finally got to FNB and had a great time. It's so awesome to be surrounded by loving and warm people. Me, Cam, Katie and Andy hung out for a bit and had a bunch of fun. I also got a new bicycle today for $24. It's a rad pink fixed gear that's suuuper lightweight. It needs a tiiiiny bit of work, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm so excited, I might go work on it after this. My septum piercing is healing up nicely, by the way! :)

more

patched up fanny packs and cut-offs and catnaps and dumpsters and high fives.

Can't escape...

these demons in my head.
-------




I love my house. I love my job. I love living here.
But some part of me knows this isn't what I was supposed to be doing.

Every morning on my way to work, I drive under a bridge that a train is usually going over. My heart sinks a little because I'm not on it. This summer was supposed to be full of motion and adventure, new states and faces, dirt and sweat. I know it's shitty of me to complain because I've got every single thing I could ask for... but my heart has been set on something else for nearly four years now...

Lawrenceville < Atlanta

For realll.


The house show last Friday night was really great. Dakota played, and not only does he do sweet covers, but he's extremely talented and has a wonderful voice. Lucky... Madeline Ava, Max Weiss, and Mrs. Triceratops (a combination of Madeline, Ronnie, and Matt) were all really awesome, too. They're the kind of people I'd like to be surrounded by... passionate, motivated kids who have a good time just hanging out. I didn't feel like we had to try and entertain them the whole time they were over. They were happy to just eat and drink coffee and mess around on their various intruments on our living room floor. Madeline covered "Hitched Up Kids" by Rosa and it felt nice to sing along with my friends. I really appreciate everyone who actually came over. however, I was (am) also really disappointed to realize how many of my (")friends(") actually care enough to take the time to drive here and hang out. I know a bunch of them had legitimate reasons they couldn't make it, but I also know the ones who didn't... and just didn't feel like coming over. Moving to Atlanta has allowed me to sort through who really does care about me... and who really doesn't. Thanks, you guys.

note to self...

remember to download Daitro soon. Soon soon soon.

at my mom's...

right now. I hung out with her a bit today, and it was really, really fun. Saw my sisters, too. Got ambushed with hugs. Lizzy and I are gunna hang out for a bit and grab coffee-should be fun. She's buying some of my old makeup from me. It's weird to think about wearing it anymore.
Every time I get on the computer, I log onto something and sit at the screen for about a minute... and decide I don't want to be on it and just sign off.

Not much going on, just working a bunch, but I can't complain about that. We're having a house show tomorrow (Friday). The kids playing spent the night Monday (?) and they're really cool. They left for Florida Tuesday (again, ?) morning, and they're coming back tomorrow afternoon. I'm really excited. One of them, Matt, plays banjo. It made me really wanna get one... Dakota also hung out, which was nice. I'm pretty sure maybe he just doesn't like us. He never spends time with me, Johnny and Cam, which is pretty disappointing :\

Went to Sopo last night with Johnny, Cam, Dakota, Katie, and Corey (one of Cam's friends) and we all fixed up our bikesies, and then went on a pretty nice ride down Moreland. It felt great and I wouldn't let myself get off. It was nice to push myself up all the hills.

I feel like more interesting things have happened, but I can't think of anything right now. Uhh, here's pictures I've promised. Screen stretch-idge alert.

Zizek (brindle) and Orwell (black and white) cuddling. They rule.

Zizek and Ginger cuddling. Ginger's my favourite. Don't tell the other three...

Lola!

Rollins playing with Orwell's tail...

Plus 10 punk points for piercing my own septum. Rightttt?

Work tomorrow at 7 AM. I'm getting trained to make sandwiches. I've had the past two days off, and they've felt so nice to stay home and clean and hang out and watch movies and cuddle with the pups. Our house looks like people actually live here, and we're finally starting to have everything moved in and put away. Still don't have a bed yet, but hopefully that'll be taken care of this weekend.
I've had more money come into my hands and then right out in the past week, but it feels good to be working hard to get somewhere. A lot of people I know have this mentality that they shouldn't work for anything they want. That's so frustrating. Regardless of what society you live in, primitive or post-industrial, you're going to have to exert some sort of effort to see progress... in everything. I keep trying to explain this, but I guess if you have no work ethic (and by work that can mean virtually anything) you're not going to attempt to grasp that concept. Feel free to argue with me if you disagree.
So far my roommates are awesome. Johnny and I have our ups and downs but for the most part, things are great. Dakota has been really cool so far, even though we barely hang out. He's always working! I hope we really actually hang out at least a couple of times before he leaves. Cam's moving his stuff earlier than expected. He's been hanging out with me and Johnny a ton and it's been a ton of fun.
We paid our first bill today. It was weird! And the dogs are getting better about not pooping and pissing all over the house or chewing everything up everything they see. I fixed the floors and the trim where the dogs had messed them up--not sure if I mentioned that in my last post. We also went to the Decatur Library today and signed up for a card. They've got an awesome selection but I was feeling tired so I didn't really look at the books. They do have a bunch of Criterion films though... <3>

I never thought I'd actually make a blog... but since I'm about 45 minutes away from everyone I'm used to seeing on a daily basis, I thought I'd do this thing to keep everyone updated with me and my move to Atlanta...

It's been really hectic. I started working at Sevananda on the 27th, and after I got off work that day, Johnny and I moved enough stuff in to get by for the night... along with the four kittehz and two additions to the family, Zizek and Orwell. They're the sweetest and most troublesome pups ever. The cats were terrified at first of two bigger animals trying to lick them to death, and were super stressed out about being in a new environment. In fact, Lola wedged herself under the dishwasher, and Johnny and I thought she was lost... which was such a crappy feeling. But I saw Rollins crawling under it and meowing, and we figured out she was there, too. It took us nearly an hour to drag her out since she couldn't get out herself. Then when we finally went to sleep, the dogs starting barking really loud and wouldn't stop, so we moved to the living room and woke up with them passed out on top of us. They've chewed up some stuff on the house, but it's nothing too hard to fix. We also had to get an electric fence (which Johnny's mom so graciously purchased for us) because they wouldn't stay in the wooden fence. Now they get to run around all over the front and backyard, and are doing better in the house. Last night was Wonderroot's one year anniversary, and that was really fun. Saw some really awesome people and listened to goooood music.
Working at Sevananda is seriously the coolest thing. Not only do I get employee discounts on all of my groceries, but since I work in the kitchen (washing dishes for eight hours) I get to try yummy vegan food everyone makes. The people I work with are really awesome and fun and loud. We listen to brutal metal and Mirah and fast Spanish music really loud. I'm still getting to know everyone, and I'm really shy and intimidated. I wish I could tell them all that it's just my social anxiety and that I don't really hate them, haha.
Johnny and Cam and I went on a bike ride today and I nearly died. John popped his inner tube though. Bummer. I met Cam's grandparents and they gave us a huge box fan after mentioning that it's hotter inside our house than outside. We got a tiny ring and he's gunna pierce my septum tonight, right after we sneak into the East Lake golf course and go swimming in the lake, hahaha.

Living here rules so hard. I've never felt more welcome in a community like I do here. I get welcomed and good morning'ed and hello'ed all the time. It's sweet. I can't think of a single thing to complain about, except for the lack of support from my family. I know some of you will read this, so please pay attention to this line: I am doing this for myself because it's what I want. I am doing a damn good job at it so far. Please be proud of me. You may disagree with my decisions, but I think I deserve a little credit for making it so far already.

I'll post more once I've got something interesting to mention. If you want to see the house or hang out, call me!

-Dani