I'm not claiming edge anymore. I don't think it's right for me to. I want to know that I can be independent and strong without a title.
I know that being edge gave me this "these X's on my fists means I'm better than you" mentality, and that's pretty fucked up. I still believe that I'm making the better decision to not do drugs or smoke cigarettes or get trashed... but I don't think that such a label should confine me the way it does. I know that as I get older, I'll want to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. I don't however, have any sort of desire to get drunk. I associate too many abusive situations and damaged relationships with alcoholics. I know that so many people give up being straight edge and immediately go and get drunk, or do drugs, or whatever. That is not me... at all.
I've struggled with cigarettes for about eleven months now. I know in my heart that I don't want to smoke, but something inside of me always tells me it'd be okay to have just one cigarette. It's been a lot better the past couple of days, and yeah, I caved and have taken a couple hits of cigarettes. I've been thinking about it so much lately, and wondering why it's so hard to fight those cravings. I know I claimed edge with my heart in the right place, but I also think being straight edge made me feel like I was obligated to live up to a standard... whereas since I've stopped claiming edge, I want to live up to a standard--one that I've set for myself. August 28, 2008 I know I wanted to quit smoking. I still want to remain nicotine- and tobacco-free... and I think that desire means so much more than feeling like I have to.
I feel like I've let a few people down by not claiming edge anymore, but I know this is right for me. I know that I thought straight edge was right at the time. Lastly, I know that I'm getting older and becoming an adult. Hell, I pay my own rent, bills, take care of seven animals, and work 40 hours a week... all while being pretty happy. My way of thinking has changed and evolved, and for the better, I believe. This feels right in my heart.