almost dead

I was coming home from a friend's house around midnight last night on Ponce de Leon, when a drunk driver swerved into my lane and almost drove straight into the front of my car. I turned sharply and nearly drove off the road. I watched him in my rear view mirror drive off, still in my lane.

So surreal.

I'm not claiming edge anymore. I don't think it's right for me to. I want to know that I can be independent and strong without a title.

I know that being edge gave me this "these X's on my fists means I'm better than you" mentality, and that's pretty fucked up. I still believe that I'm making the better decision to not do drugs or smoke cigarettes or get trashed... but I don't think that such a label should confine me the way it does. I know that as I get older, I'll want to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. I don't however, have any sort of desire to get drunk. I associate too many abusive situations and damaged relationships with alcoholics. I know that so many people give up being straight edge and immediately go and get drunk, or do drugs, or whatever. That is not me... at all.
I've struggled with cigarettes for about eleven months now. I know in my heart that I don't want to smoke, but something inside of me always tells me it'd be okay to have just one cigarette. It's been a lot better the past couple of days, and yeah, I caved and have taken a couple hits of cigarettes. I've been thinking about it so much lately, and wondering why it's so hard to fight those cravings. I know I claimed edge with my heart in the right place, but I also think being straight edge made me feel like I was obligated to live up to a standard... whereas since I've stopped claiming edge, I want to live up to a standard--one that I've set for myself. August 28, 2008 I know I wanted to quit smoking. I still want to remain nicotine- and tobacco-free... and I think that desire means so much more than feeling like I have to.

I feel like I've let a few people down by not claiming edge anymore, but I know this is right for me. I know that I thought straight edge was right at the time. Lastly, I know that I'm getting older and becoming an adult. Hell, I pay my own rent, bills, take care of seven animals, and work 40 hours a week... all while being pretty happy. My way of thinking has changed and evolved, and for the better, I believe. This feels right in my heart.

catching up...

A timeline for the past five or so days...

Endless Mike and the Beagle Club played a show in our basement Wednesday. I was pretty nervous at first, because not many people were there at first, but it turned out to be a great show as the night went on. Whit from The Wild played. I'd never heard his solo stuff before, and it brought me to tears. He played songs about "illegal" immigrants and things in life that remind you that you're free. It really got to me. Dakota played next. Maybe I'm biased because he's my roommate, but I always get so stoked (:the band... none of you will get that joke) when he plays. He's going on tour soon and I really hope he enjoys the fuck out of himself. Half Endless Mike is another band, so they played, and then Endless Mike and the Beagle Club did their set. Both of them were really catchy and pop-punky, and awesome to dance to. Somehow, about half of the crowd wound up with a maraca or tambourine in their hands. The whole show had a very intimate vibe. It was awesome.
Endless Mike got really, really, really drunk in our backyard, and then smoked a bunch of pot. They thought for about an hour that it'd be a good idea to make me play designated driver and take them to a swimming pool--thank god they realized how terrible of an idea that would have been. I don't think I could have driven that massive tour bus down skinny Decatur streets to save my life.
I woke up on Thursday and hung out with the band. We went swimming and got tofu burritos and watched SO much Arrested Development. I got along with all seven of them really well. The company was much enjoyed.
Friday morning Johnny, Dakota, Jessica and I all left for Berea Fest. Jessica dropped us off and then left to visit a friend in Acron. We missed the first couple of bands (including No Target Audience :[ ) and I didn't know most of the others until Lemuria. They played an AWESOME set. The crowd was so much fun. Ronny (from Mrs. Triceratops, they played at our house) found us a place to stay and so the three of us (and about five other friends that we met up with) headed over to what turned out to be this cute house with a bunch of disgusting hot-sauce-rally-gay-porn-watching(or rather... mocking)-chainsmoking punk (kind of) kids. I don't know how to describe it. It sucked. So instead of staying in the smoke cloud of a basement, we pitched two tents on their front lawn. It wound up raining really hard, and everything we all owned was soaking wet. Damp and tired, we went to the second day of Berea Fest. I saw Pink Houses, Seizure Fist, the Max Levine Ensemble, Ghost Mice, Amelia, The Sidekicks, Goodluck, and Delay, along with a couple others that I didn't really get into. Ghost Mice was awesome to see live. They played acoustic (of course) and they played songs that I knew well... which of course, made it better. We stayed at Jessica's friend's house last night. A pull-out couch has never felt so wonderful.
We're safe and home now. I really loved Ohio. I wish we had all taken more time off and could have hung out a day or two...
Also, I have a hard time ending blogs and other things that I write, so I'm not going to try to wrap it up. Bleh.

Erin came and hung out with me today. It was really nice! :) We headed up to Liberty so she could get her tattoo done, and on the way there I decided to stop at Becky's (awesome grrl I work with) house to give her a bike of mine that's in perfect condition, minus the bent-to-hell frame. I couldn't find it, so I turned around to go on to Liberty... and drove over a curb. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a loud thunking noise... and realized I had a flat tire. Needless to say, I was having a pretty lousy day (nothing new lately... ugh) and it was just the thing to top it off. Fortunately for me, two guys helped us out because I didn't have a jack in my trunk (NOTE TO SELF: get car jack...). They were really friendly and showed me how to change it. One of them walked with me through a rough part of the neighborhoods on Moreland to the tire place, and then demanded they only charge me $37 for a new one, instead of $45. He also held my hand as we walked down a super steep and rocky path through some trees... I didn't need help, but it's the thought that really counts. It's things like this that make me think sometimes humans aren't so bad.

After we took care of all of that, Erin and I went to Sevananda to get some food... only to see four people I used to be fairly great friends with (prior to moving down here) walking out the front door. I immediately checked my phone, assuming they would have called to see if I was working, and/or wanted to hang out, since I live seven minutes away. Of course, I had no missed calls... which only makes it even more obvious how little my old friends care to keep in touch. To be completely honest, it broke my heart a little bit.
If they had to have gone out of their ways in any bit, I would have understood them not bothering. But a phone call or even a text message asking if I was working so they could possibly say hi to me and talk for five minutes? Is that really so much to expect from people who claim to be my friend?
I'm still not sure how to take it. They made it pretty obvious that they had no time to stick around and talk to me-the extent of us speaking was me yelling out my car window because they wouldn't come any closer than ten feet...

sometimes perpetual motion m o v e s s o s l o w.

I'm waking up morning after morning now wondering what it would be like to be a thousand miles away from here. I've still got everything I need, but there's something about not knowing where I would sleep the next night that makes me toss and turn with longing in my bed. It seems with every minute that goes by, I get a little more frantic and restless.

Now things are so comfortable, I don't know if I can break the routine. I've got an awesome job that I don't know if I could bring myself to quit and promises to live up to and rent to pay and animals to feed. I wish I had gone when I wanted (needed) to, before I committed myself to 30032.

twitterin

dumpstering, no more braces, two day mountain trip, cold water swimming, anarchy, stick-n-pokes, fanny packs always, good friends, a new friend, nice conversations, goodbyes.


thank you.

a l l o f t h e d a y s j u s t s e emtoruntogether.